Alex [to Haley]: You have your fans, I have mine. And one day, your fans are gonna work for my fans.
Gloria [about Jay]: If you want him to stop lifting stuff, put it in grocery bags and put a football game on TV.
Phil: When I talk to my old friends from college do we croak or do we bark?
Haley [about Alex]: Uncle Cam, as her future prom date can you please talk to her? You know fashion and stuff.
Claire: I just wanted to spend my night with some fun gay people. It's not my fault this one decided to be straight!
Cam: He wasn't armed, he had a Hillary bumper sticker.
Gloria: What do you mean she blossomed? Like the puberty?
Phil: You know who can't climb trees?
Luke: Raccoons? Phil: Worries. Raccoons can and will so don't leave food up here. Claire [to Mitchell and Cam]: When did you two become such old women?
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