Phil: I've always said that if my son thinks of me as one of his idiot friends, I've succeeded as a dad.
Mitchell: For the record, I am not a neat freak. In fact in my first long term relationship I was the messy one, which is why she broke up with me...well...
Manny: Hello Ma'am, do you love Christmas?
Neighbor: Actually I'm Jewish. Manny: Well then you must appreciate a good value. Cam: Sweetie what's your name?
Girl: Blanche. Cam: Shut up. Mitchell would die. Mitchell: The attic? Why?
Luke: At least it's big. Grandpa said you used to live in a closet. Mitchell: [about his night with Tracy] After that I didn't return any of her phone calls, and I haven't seen her since.
Cameron: [to Lily, who stole the sunglasses] You naughty little girl! Mitchell: Well, you know that's what happens when you give me Kahlua. Cam: When I get home I'm gonna scrub this place like it's a crime scene, which it is because you murdered joy.
Alex: Could you L a little less O L? Can't you see what I'm trying to do here?
Haley: Die alone? Jay: [about a comedian] You're going to love him. Trust me, the guy’s hilarious.
Gloria: OK, tell me one of his jokes. Jay: Well, he doesn’t do jokes. Gloria: Does he have a mallet? Jay: No. Gloria: So then how does he get hit in the head? Jay: He doesn’t get hit in the head. He makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way - come on, he’s been on Johnny Carson a hundred times. Gloria: Who the hell is Johnny Carson? Jay: Oh, for God’s sake. [Cut to Jay and Gloria talking to the camera] Jay: Gloria and I are from different generations, and I won’t lie, it isn’t always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon & Garfunkel were my lawyers. Gloria: No I didn't. Jay: It’s a joke. Gloria: I don’t get it. Jay: Maybe that’s because there’s no mallet. Gloria: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now. Luke: The other day Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk food so he and Cam could do a Jew fast.
Phil: Juice fast? Luke: I'm pretty sure he said Jew. |
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