Claire: Sweetheart I would love to be wrong, but I don't live with the right people for that.
Alex [to Haley]: Is it one more year or when you leave for college, because those happen to be two different things.
Claire: Could you grab an extra virgin-
Phil: I think one's enough for the sacrifice. Jay [to Manny]: You're not by chance wearing the locket, are you?
Phil: Guess it's just one of those things that we'll never know, like what really happened to the Titanic.
Claire: It hit an iceberg. Phil: Maybe. Alex: Did you draw on my poster?
Haley: Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal. Alex: I didn't read your stupid journal, and I waited in line to get this signed, Haley. Haley: Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair. Alex: That's Maya Angelou, you idiot. Haley: Oh, sorry I don't follow the WNBA. Mitchell: There are very few parenting issues where I come out on top. I'm distant, I work too much, my french braiding is sloppy. Finally something that's not my fault!
Mitchell: [reading from the Mommy Forum to figure out what to do about Lily's biting] Well, this one says "when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face."
Cameron: Oh, well the smiley face makes it okay. I water-boarded our toddler. LOL. Claire: We need a game plan, we need to map out exactly what we are going to say, because that is the only way I will be able to hold it together while our babies look at us with judgment and disgust.
Phil: That's how they always look at us. Mitchell: [To the florist, after Cam accidentally sets the flowers on fire and then runs screaming into the kitchen] Look at that, two things flaming at once!
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