Mitchell: Would you mind coming with us? We need somebody who actually knows how to speak Spanish.
Cam: Frio. Muy frio.

Cam (misunderstanding an argument in Spanish): The nurse stole her grandmother’s almonds! 

Claire: You look adorable!
Alex: Adorable? I’m not a puppy.
Phil: Claire, I got this. Honey, you look super sexy.
Alex: Eeeew.
Phil: Well, we tried everything. 

Jay (to Lily): I first had your aunt Claire, then your dad came along and I loved them just the same. No matter what he tells you.

Phil: Guess what, suddenly you’re 60 years old, wandering toothless and alone in a post-apocalyptic wasteland!
Haley: Wait a second, how did Dylan get the nuclear codes again?
Phil: During the robot wars! 

Alex: You know what I might just go crazy tonight and hook up all over him.

Claire: I say no everyday in this house.
Phil: But at night she's a yes machine.
Claire: No.

Cam: It's better to carry a tune than a grudge.

Phil: I haven't felt so nervous since I tried to break up with Claire 20 years ago.

Cam: I've been fired, everyone has. 
Mitchell: Not me.