Claire: Oh, go figure. A teenage boy doesn't want to hang out with his girlfriend's dad.
Phil: I thought we were past all that. I'm all about taking it to the next level.
Claire: Really? I thought you were all about keeping it real.
Phil: Yes, but the whole point of keeping it real is so you can take it to the next level. Did you really not know that?

Luke [to Claire]: You are so mean. When he used to look through those binoculars and say your dad is one lucky man, he was wrong!

Mitchell: Oh my God, there's Sandy.
Cam: Sandra Bullock?
Mitchell: Yeah we're such good friends, I just call her Sandy.

Alex [to Claire]: You know, instead of trying to force me to wear a dress, why don't you worry about getting Luke to wear some pants?

Mitchell [to Jay]: Knock it off old man!

Claire: I was out of control growing up, there you know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If Hailey never wakes up on a beach in Florida half naked, I've done my job.
Phil: Our job.
Claire: Right, I've done our job.

Phil [about Walt's death]: It was very peaceful. Not the letter, that was full of threats.

Haley: He's gonna ruin my party!
Gloria: Two birds, one bullet.

Phil: She feels great. Her spirits are high, the whole family's high. There's your headline.
Claire: No it's not. 

Mitchell: My name is Mitchell and I'm a lawyer
Cameron [trying to sound straight]: My name is Cameron and I am currently not working, which gives me more time to grill and shoot baskets.