Manny: One time my dad was struck by lightning. That's why he can drink as much as he wants.

Alex: If Haley got pregnant, would you ever pretend she got mono for a few months and then tell everyone the baby's yours?

Phil: I'm cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face.

Gloria: We're very different, he's from the city, he has big big business and I come from a small village, very poor but very very beautiful. It is the number one village in all Colombia for all the, what's the word?
Jay: Murders.
Gloria: Yes, the murders.

Manny: She has a boyfriend.
Gloria: Ohh I'm sorry mi niño
Manny: I gave her my heart and she gave me a picture of me as an all time Sheriff. That was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it?
Gloria: No mi amor, It was brave right Jay, brave.
Jay: Well well, you'll know better next time, come on let's get a pretzel.

Phil: I'm like a boxer before a fight.

Mitzi: Your kid forgot his cereal. There's a surprise in every box. Spoiler alert: it's diabetes!

Gloria [about her body]: Jay we use this to get tables at restaurants, why can't we use it to get Manny a friend?

Claire: Hey how come you guys haven't accepted my friend requests?
Haley: I didn't know you were on Facebook.
Alex: Yeah you said it was only for teenagers or people who wanted to have affairs.