Phil: I think we're all having a baby!

Gloria: There are blind models? That's so sad, they can't see how pretty they are!

Cam: Do you think it would be offensive to ask my daughter to walk on my back?

Manny: She's like a dream, wrapped in a wish, poured into jeggings.

Jay: Stop acting like I'm some staunchy old coot! I've grown.

Jay: Isn't it enough this family spends a lot of time together? Now we have to inbreed?

Gloria: It's a freakshow, but it's their freakshow.

Mitchell: And what are we supposed to tell the baby? Say hi to your Aunt Mommy!

Claire: Sometimes I worry nobody's going to like Alex.

Jay [about Manny]: I can't express to you how badly this kid needs football.